I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
B
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement