The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
men are simple creatures
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*