It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter