[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it