Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
This is not me but this is me
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
They should invent clothes that get fat with you