I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like