My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
They also CAN sing✌️