If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
There is no “we” in pizza
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”