Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.