if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I am patiently waiting for your email
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.