the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.