Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?