Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
You Might Also Like
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You have been warned.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
For the baby who has everything
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley