Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ibopfufen
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
this article brought to you by lions
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
The happy life.. 😊
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.