Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.