‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
not seeing the problem
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say