Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
12653.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Rather alarming headline…
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.