I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My birthstone is kidney
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.