If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I have so many questions.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week