Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
motivation