I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.