Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.