Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.