My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Lmfao
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
This could be us… but you playing