Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*