I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Vodka burrito was a success
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
road rage
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary