Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Pretty much. 🤣
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much