GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
work smarter, not harder
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit