As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
another case of gang violins
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.