me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email