It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
goldfish mafia
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.