My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
the clam before the storm
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.