I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Finally! 😈
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls