[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.