*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I love wikipedia
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Don’t we all.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged