ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
You Might Also Like
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.