I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I created you as mosquito food.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye