Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You Might Also Like
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Body by sandwich.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
how to have an accident 101
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Yup.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.