Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*