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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
December birthdays be like…
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Morning.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.