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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
He-man has a Masters degree
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.