When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.