My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?