Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You Might Also Like
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.