Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.