That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
i think we should see other cousins
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines