ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.