Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Happy weekend !
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.