[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us