I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders